Stressing about not stressing

The calm before the storm. The night before it went all wrong. The eve of…

well. I’m not 1/2 done with my exams and honestly I’m not actually that stressed. This is so new to me. I normally can’t sleep, have a poor appetite and become an incredibly temperamental person around exams time.

I don’t know why this has occurred. I’m not necessarily better prepared or feeling more productive. I think it might just be that fourth year of medical school has so far been 11 months long and my body has been in a constant stressed out/ freaked out state.

Cortisol – which is the hormone released in response to stress. Adrenaline – our fight or flight hormone. They’re like not peaking. It is as if my adrenals went ‘nope, done enough this year. I’m not releasing more stress hormones.’

It has tricked my brain because I’ve not had the same drive for exams as I normally do. And I’m kind of stressing about the fact that I haven’t been stressed.


5 days to freedom…


Bruises and scars

We all have them. Bruises and scars, I mean. Not all are literal. Some bruises and scars are internal and hurt just as much. It’s not bad to have them. It shows you survived. You made it out to the other side when everything else had hit rock-bottom. Bruises and scars are a part of life. Some fade away with life. Others are there as constant reminders. Some only hurt if pressed. We’ve all had them. We all know the pain.

Recently, I saw a 16 week old baby with finger print bruises on her little body. Who did this to her? What’s her story? Who is to blame? Some bruises only grow with time. Her’s will. Maybe the physical bruises will go away. But we will know. She will know. She’ll grow up, knowing. She’ll grow up questioning. Why did this happen to me?

Some bruises and scars we accept as ‘occupational hazards’. I have a dog. I was bitten by him. I have a scar. I still love him. I went ice skating. I fell over. I got a cut on my finger and the scar from that is with me forever. I got hurt once. Emotionally. I’m not sure I’ll ever heal from that.

I met a 17 year old. He was having an existential crisis. ‘The world is so big. What can I even achieve here?’ His young life had been full of abuse and sorrow and pain. The bruises and scars from his childhood will keep re-visiting him like an unwanted guest.

Some bruises and scars remind us that we are alive. We are living. We are here. The scars from a depressed teenager who used to cut herself. The bruises of a man who got ‘beat-up’ in the street for being the wrong ‘type’. The hateful words that are forever etched in the mind of the kids as they watch their parents shout and scream.

All bruises and scars have a story. Most aren’t pleasant. Most are painful. All are important to acknowledge and remember.

What’s your story?


Midnight Musings…

Nothing really to say today…

I have been on easter break for the last two weeks…did a lot of catching up with friends and family. It’s also been nice to not have to get up at 7am to go to the hospital!

my exams are 3 months away. which is both far and too close. I can’t really relax but equally the finishing line isn’t in sight.

I’ve been listening to a lot of classical music. Mozart is the man! It helps me concentrate and stops the noises in the house from distracting me. I actually managed to study a lot of neurology (which is super complicated by the way) and hopefully retain it.

I’ve also been watching a lot of Vlogs recently. Medical ones, I mean. And I thought of starting one. But then what would I talk about? Also that means I’d have to be camera ready and that’s really not appealing. The hoodie and messy ponytail game is so lit. (Can’t believe I just wrote lit…)

Final years at my university start exams tomorrow. That’ll be me in one year. eek.

Anyway…gonna head to bed. Hope you have a nice Monday 🙂


All we hear is radio gaga

I first heard the song ‘Radio gaga‘ when I was probably ten years old. It and along with majority of the songs sung by Queen rapidly became my favourite go-to music. But it was only a few years ago when I actually listened to the lyrics properly. And understood its melancholic and wistful tune in its notes. 1984, when this song was released was only three years after the launch of the video station MTV.  Listening to music suddenly became a TV thing rather than a radio thing. Hence the song ‘Radio gaga’. It’s reminiscing about the fact that more and more people were turning to video stations for their music than radio. At the same time I also discovered that Queen’s lead vocalist died from a respiratory complication of HIV/AIDS. Whenever this song plays, I can’t help but feel a little sad and melancholic.  Continue reading

A drop too much of wine

Disclaimer: The patient and any identifiable information has purposely been left anonymised to protect the individual’s identity. If you feel that this has in any way been violated please do not hesitate to contact me. 

When I first met her, it was because I had been asked to put in a cannula into her arm. My hands shook like anything. Luckily the doctor supervising me was very patient and we cobbled together (the patient, the doctor and I) and it was a success story. When I met her a week later it was to take a history from her. She was as welcoming as it is possible to be in an unfamiliar, non-personal hospital bed. But I drew the curtains and took a seat, the ‘Hello I am a medical student’ flowing from my lips. Continue reading

Mirror Mirror

Reflection. It is the dreaded word in healthcare. Why? Because it is uncomfortable and tedious. Imagine selecting the most boring film you know and watching every excruciating minute of it. Now imagine watching it with the most critical person you know. Does that sound fun? Reflection isn’t meant to be fun. But it is vital for creating a better health care service.  Continue reading