separating the doctor from the job

I realised I haven’t written anything in a long while. A long time ago I promised myself that I would only write when the need/ want/ desire struck me. Because this blog is and has always primarily been a place for me to be honest about my own journey through medicine and life in general. And I don’t want to pollute it by being artificial…

writing is such an inherent and instinctive part of me that separating the craft from the person is almost impossible. My writing is me, I am my writing. Being a doctor to me is actually sort of similar.

Being a doctor, it is hard to separate the vocation or ‘the calling’ from the person.

A friend asked me recently…’do you get tired of talking about medicine?’

No, I thought. Never. I love medicine. Probably more than I love Harry Potter or space-time (and hey, those two are my favourite topics of discussion these days). But yes, I do get bored of talking about the politics of the NHS, or the waiting times, or the constant complaints. I get tired of the bureaucracy that makes it hard for me to do my job. The endless exams that make me question my worth and put my life on hold. and the constant mindless jobs that slow down my clinical work.

But I never get tired of medicine because I think it is a calling. Anyone could train to be a doctor. But to continue being a doctor even when you’re not at work, even when it seems like the healthcare system is at a monumental fundamental shift, requires you to embody the qualities we often see in doctors.

Thing is, I’m pretty sure I haven’t changed. I’ve just gained more knowledge and life experience. And that’s the crux of it all, I think. You either have the personality to be a doctor or you don’t.

Anyone (IMO) can be a doctor. But the art of being a good one is inherent and not easily taught.

-V-

Today’s doctor

Mum said to me today, “you should write a book.”

“On what?” I asked, bemused but trying hard not to laugh.

“On how to pass OSCE as a medical student.”

I dismissed the thought almost as soon as my mum had it. Doctors don’t write books. Doctors only treat patients. That was the traditional role of a doctor anyway. Certainly, the main reason I wanted to be a doctor was primarily because I wanted to work with patients and manage illness.

And when our brains just don’t want to cooperate…

I write when I’m excited. I write when I’m sad. I write when I cry. I pretty much write with the easiest of triggers. And yet I came here today to write about my surgical placement and found that I just didn’t want to. I actually came to my blog as a way of trying to get myself in the mood for studying. But I’m in this strange limbo where I want to work and I just can’t convince myself to actually open my books. I want to become a doctor and yet I just don’t have the energy to look at yet another x-ray, another blood result, another exam question. I feel as if my life is a video and somebody has turned the speed down to 1/2 speed. And the weird thing is I don’t feel particularly sad, happy or anything really. I’m sort of in an apathy. This is certainly not the first time this has happened. In fact I struggle with this pretty much all the time.

The thing that always gets me going is that I’m scared to fall down a path of darkness and despair. I feel like an ex-smoker who desperately wants another cigarette but knows damn well the consequences of cancer and COPD and that’s their single motivator to not do it. And my motivations are that I want to be a doctor. I love being with patients, talking to them, finding out about their life. I’m well aware that I’m not at all an unfortunate person. I have a roof over my head, a family, food and education. Not everyone is as lucky.

Rationally, I know all this. And yet I still feel this way and I can’t explain it. I’m sure in a little while I’ll be fine. It’s just a passing mood but what if one day this mood is here to stay and its staying becomes a permanent part of my life? It’s strange because all this is in my head and it is my own mind that scares me the most.

-vitzy-